Project Craven
by Wot
Summary: My fist fic :D full summary inside.
1. Default Chapter

This is my first attempt at a fan fic so I'd really appreciate any feedback.

This story takes place around season 4, before they lost the ship and holly and just before Rimmer gets his hard light drive.

The guys visit a derelict space station that used to experiment on holograms, until they revolted and killed the crew. Unfortunately for the guys it's not as deserted as they'd originally thought.

I don't own Red Dwarf blah, blah, legal stuff etc.

Enjoy :D


	2. Chapter one

Chapter one

Jack Muller was not one of nature's cowards. At least, not in the physical sense of the word. He was the type of man what would quite happily dive into a drunken brawl with a man twice his size but all the misses had to say was: 'like a bloody river it was!' and he'd be squirming like a sissy. Even so, as the army of dead men marched towards him he couldn't help but re-decorate his boxers a new shade of brown.

Desperately he re-loaded his bazookoid and aimed it at the nearest figure. "Get back yer dirty deady!" Jack yelled and fired a 'warning' shot straight into its chest. The hologramatic man stumbled backward into another two who caught him and set him back onto his feet. Un- deterred by the blast in the chest the hologramatic man and his army continued their advance.

'_Damn!'_ Jack swore and for the first time in his life he ran away from a fight. He had no idea where he was running to, but that didn't seem very important so long as he was as far away from the dead men as humanly possible. For a first time coward Jack was doing very well.

The _Lazarus'_ flashing red alarms and ear splitting siren confused him as he fled and he soon found himself totally disorientated some three floors above his starting position. '_This is ridiculous,'_ Jack thought angrily, '_I'm the smegging security guard! I could find my way around this station whilst drunk and blindfolded. Actually I HAVE found my way around this ship drunk and blindfolded! What the smeg's wrong with me?'_ After a few moments desperate searching he soon found a familiar landmark. The 'Artificial Virus' lab.

It was at this point that something unusual happened to Jack Muller. Even more unusual than his sole act of cowardice, even more unusual than the subjects revolting and killing his shipmates, even_ more_ unusual than an incident some two months previously involving, Jack, First Officer Paul Noelty and a spiky, tropical fruit. For the first time in his life Jack Muller used his brain.

He launched himself into the lab and headed straight for the ships computer. His thick brow knotted in concentration as he scrolled through the files to find program that he needed. '_Project Craven' _

Technically the project was top-secret. Hardly any of the officers knew about it let alone the lowly security guards, but Jack had a friend in the know. A fellow member of H.A.D in fact.

"Sweet dreams deadys!" Jack muttered with a cruel smile as he set the programs timer for ten minuets and legged it off to the stasis booths.

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The others were all seated in the drive room by the time Lister slouched in, still in his heavily stained boxers and clutching his breakfast, which consisted of a three week old Vindaloo and a can of last nights larger.

He burped a 'Mornin' 'and settled down with his feet upon the console. Rimmer's lip curled at his slovenly appearance. Lister's disgraceful eating habits and poor personal hygiene were the holograms largest irritation aboard 'Red dwarf', his utter contempt for regulations coming a close second. It _really_ wound Rimmer up that despite the fact that Holly had summoned the crew to the drive room a full half hour ago, Lister had only just stumbled in, un-dressed and wolfing down a meal that most ravenous dogs would think twice about eating, and they spend most of the time licking their own genitals.

'_Surely there must be some rule against this sort of behavior_.' He thought irritably but didn't voice opinions. It was too early in the morning for another '_space corp. directive'_ argument with that pedantic metal git, Kryten.He contented himself with a contemptuous glare in the space bums direction.

Noticing the holograms disgust Lister smiled back sarcastically, immensely pleased that his hard work had paid off. He had spent the best part of the last twenty minuets trying to find the oldest, smeggiest curry that he could and attempting to take as long as possible to get to the drive room, purely to piss Rimmer off. It was the only entertainment that he got around here.

Kryten's voice snapped his concentration back to the task at hand. "What is it Holly?" the android asked gazing up at a display monitor which was now showing what seemed to be a dilapidated space station.

The ditzy computer merely shrugged "Looks like an old, dilapidated space station to me." She replied.

"Really" Rimmer thrilled sarcastically, "Well thank goodness you're here Hol! We might have spent weeks trying to figure that one out"

Holly scowled down at him and opened her mouth for a witty retort but none sprang to mind. Three million years in deep space without any intellectual stimulation meant that any conversation beyond '_who would win out of Dangermouse and Hammy the hamster?_' was a little over her head. She contented herself with poking her tongue out at him. The hologram opened his mouth to respond but she cut across him.

"Hang about, I'm getting something" she said, taking even herself by surprise. "It's an exploration vessel. _'The Lazarus' ._Plenty of supplies on board. Says 'ere that they're working for the Contremort Company."

"Who?" Asked the cat, today dressed it a royal blue sequined suit and matching boots.

"The Contremort company was a scientific research company, "Kryten explained." They specialized into research into death. They were a deeply religious organization that questioned the morality of bringing dead humans back as hologramatic life forms. Originally Contremort were part of a much larger company, 'Holoform' which specialized in creating holograms. Contremort's founder, Ancelde Dieu, felt that only god had the power to create life so set up his own company to determine wither or not a hologramatic status was an extension of human life or an un-natural attempt at playing God. After years of experimenting on holograms the company just disappeared, no one knows what became of their research" He finished in a mysterious voice.

"Sorry," Rimmer said, rising to get a better look at the display, "What do you mean _experimented_ on?"

"I mean that they experimented on holograms, sir." The android shrugged, "Which part of that are you struggling with?"

Rimmer ignored this insult on his intelligence. His eyes widened with excitement "They might have worked out a cure!"

"What?" Lister laughed skeptically "A cure for death? Come off it man!"

Rimmer shook his head defensively "They might have!" He protested. "Their technology is obviously far in advance of our own."

"Yeah but lets face it," The cat said "Most video games have technology 'far in advance of our own'!"

Rimmer groaned in frustration and rubbed the H on his forehead with a long, thin finger. It was so typical of the others. He's given a flicker of hope and they piss on it! Would it hurt them to support him for once? Would it hurt them to indulge him for one moment? No.

They didn't understand what life was like for him, how frustrating it was not to be able to touch or feel. He turned to them angrily "There might be something that could help me, to improve my life. You don't understand what it's like for me!"

"You've been going on about it for four smegging years Rimmer!" An exasperated Lister cried "Death's crap, we get the picture."

"This is just a big bloody joke to you isn't it?" Rimmer demanded then mimicked his Liverpudlian accent. "What's der big problem? Death's not de 'andicap it once was."

"It's not." Lister sighed. Rimmer opened his mouth to argue but Lister cut across, ignoring the hologram he turned to Holly. "Do we know what happened to them Hol?" He asked her. She looked thoughtful for a moment.

"We could try seeing what's on their final log" She suggested "hang on a tick"

After a moment the woman's' face disappeared and was replaced by that of a terrified officer.

'_The hard light test subjects have revolted and are wiping out the crew.' _He cried out desperately_ 'They're practically indestructible, even the bazookoids won't stop them! All is lost! As far as I know I am the only surviving crew member of… what? ……No!……No!..... Arghhh!'_

"Brilliant!" Rimmer wailed as the image fizzed and faded to static. "Brill-smegging-iliant! I _knew_ something like this'd happen. It's inhabited by un-stoppable killing machines as per bloody usual!" He slouched back dejectedly in his seat "Just once," He moaned, "could we find an intelligent life form that doesn't want to grind our bones to make its bread?!"

Though Lister loved to torture his holgramatic bunkmate even he felt slightly sorry for him. Rimmer looked so miserable. "Come on man," Lister sighed, "This happened years ago, for all we know the holograms ran out of power or something"

Rimmer looked up hopefully as Holly nodded. "He's right; there are no hologramatic life forms aboard the station. But…" She paused and looked slightly uncomfortable.

"But what?" Lister asked slowly.

"There is a human on board." She informed them. Their jaws dropped.

"How can that be?" Kryten asked disbelievingly

"He's in stasis," The computer replied. "I've got his profile 'ere, look"

A photograph of a shifty looking man filled half the screen. He was very pale, with dark features and several battle scars. Not the type of man you want to meet in a dark alley. Or any alley in fact. Next to his picture was a disturbing biography.

_Name: Jack 'masher' Muller_

_Age: 34_

_Height: 6ft 2''_

_Weight: 14st 11lbs_

_Position: security_

_Convictions: Two years- GBH _

_Six months probation for attempting to insert a pineapple into a senior officer- provided that he attend psychiatric assessments and anger management course._

_Additional: known member of H.A.D _

"Had?" Rimmer asked Kryten. "What the smeg is had?"

"H.A.D sir. 'Humans against deadys'. They're an anti- hologram organization infamous for their attacks on holograms" The oddly shaped robot explained " They were a terrifying group of people that would often use hologramatic devices to torture their victims to within an inch of their lives and then alter the poor souls programming to disfigure them for the rest of their miserable existence."

Rimmer looked revolted "'Humans against deadys' would have sufficed!" He snapped before once again sinking into despair. "So let me get this straight, the only way for us to go down and get new supplies is to face a psychopathic, fruit wielding maniac who, given half the chance, will torture and disfigure me?"

"Where's the problem?" The cat smiled evilly.

Kryten at least had some words of comfort. "Oh, we needn't worry about Mr. Muller sir." He said scanning Holly's readout "According to this Mr. Muller is still in stasis. We will be quite safe, I assure you"

Rimmer's eyes shone with a newly rekindled hope. "And this 'hard light' thingy?" He asked "What do you suppose that is?"

"Only one way to find out!" Lister shrugged. Downing the last of the flat larger in one mighty gulp he led the way out. "Tool up boys." He ordered "we're going shopping."

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When the mechanical door of Muller's stasis booth hissed open the first sound to meet his ears was the ships computer quoting ship protocol in a jarring mechanical voice. "_It is now …safe for you to emerge… from stasis. Please proceed… to the security deck for… debriefing_." There was definitely something wrong. The computer wasn't supposed so sound like that. Groggily he asked it if it was feeling okay but the bald, black merely repeated its sentence.

The ship was a mess. The dimmed lights flickered and the doors jarred halfway open meaning that Jack was forced to squeeze sideways to get through them. The entire ship was decaying as though it had been left to rot for centuries. _'How long was I in there?!'_ Jack wondered. An enormous feeling of foreboding was welling up inside him. Desperate for answers he quickened his pace.

It was because of this rush that Jack wasn't looking where he was going and stumbled over something hard, it cracked loudly as it collided with his boots. He hit the floor painfully hard, cutting his hand on a sharp piece of debris as he fell. Cursing loudly he turned to see what had tripped him. His eyes met the hollow sockets of an ancient skeleton in a familiar uniform. It was the captain.

"Smeg!" Jack swore, retching at the horrific sight. He had already known that the crew had been wiped out but even so, he wasn't expecting them to have decomposed yet. Surely he'd only been in stasis long enough for _project Craven _to have taken effect hadn't he? Aghast he turned to the ships computer. "What the smeg is going on? How long was I in there?"

The head flickered on the screen "Please proceed… to.." It began but Jack cut across him.

"Tell me now!" Jack snarled dangerously, clutching his bleeding hand. "And what's up with you? Why are you flickering? And why is nothing working"

The computer appeared to take a deep breath and began to explain. "The ship is falling to bits, you were in there for three million years, and I am flickering because in about twenty minuets we'll loose all power."

"Three million years?" Jack repeated angrily "twenty minuets of power?"

"Oh good, you do understand then." The computer smiled, genuinely pleased that he'd grasped it so quickly. In situations like this most people tend to go into denial and the computer didn't really feel like spending the last twenty minuets of his life explaining that he only had twenty minuets to live.

"Why was I in there for three million years?" Jack demanded, slumping down to the floor in despair. "You were supposed to wake me up as soon as the deadys were… well dead."

"It wasn't safe," The computer replied simply, "When the Holograms became infected most of them went crazy. They blew up half the ship. It's taken me nearly three million years to bring the pressure back to normal and seal off the danger areas. We've lost decks H-K by the way."

"H-K?" Jack repeated, attempting to recall which parts of the ship they were

" The entertainment decks, "The computer prompted " But I don't suppose you're really in the mood for a spot of tennis are you?"

Jack sighed and rested his head in his bloodstained hands. This didn't seem real. He didn't mind the fact that everyone was dead so much; if he was perfectly honest he hadn't really liked half the crew. The officers were a bunch of jumped up, brown tongued pratts whose parents were more than likely related and everyone else was frightened of him. No, that wasn't what got to him. What got to him was that there was now no chance of rescue.

When he'd leapt into the stasis booth he'd assumed that in a month or two the company would send a ship from Mimas to see what was going on. Jack would be rescued and with any luck would be decorated for his brave attack on the deadys.

He hadn't expected this, lost and alone three million years into deep space with no power. Actually why hadn't they got any power? The computer was supposed to switch onto emergency power only in circumstances like this. Angrily Jack asked the computer why it hadn't done this.

"I did!" It protested "I kept enough power to steer the ship, maintain supplies and keep you alive. It was maintaining _Craven_ that sucked up most of the juice."

"What!" Jack yelled in disbelief, " You were supposed to switch it off when the deadys were gone!"

"You didn't program me to!" The computer moaned defensively. "You didn't program me to switch it off after they were gone"

"It's common smegging sense!"

The computer scowled at him "I'm a computer" He replied sulkily "I don't have any '_common smegging sense'_"

"Is it still running?" The wide eyed security guard asked quickly, casting suspicious glances down the decaying corridor as though expecting the creature to emerge suddenly and launch at him. He knew that it couldn't hurt him but he still wasn't overly keen to run into it.

"Yeah it's still running" The computer informed him and displayed security footage of the creature. Jacks boxers got a second coat.

"I wouldn't worry too much though, "The computer said sympathetically, "It'll be dead in twenty minuets."

"He's not the only one is he?" Jack muttered "There isn't enough oxygen to keep me alive is there?"

The computer shook its head.

"Smeg!" Jack wailed. "Why did you bring me back? Why didn't you just let me die in stasis? What was the point in bringing me back for twenty smegging minuets?"

"You're about to be rescued." The computer informed him. Jacks head snapped towards the screen looking totally bewildered so the head decided to elaborate. "There's a vessel headed over from the Jupiter mining ship _the Red Dwarf_"

"_The Red Dwarf?" _Jack breathed.

"Do you know it?" Asked the computer.

Jack nodded. "I've heard of it yeah, it just disappeared one day. No one knows where it went"

"I don't know where it _went._" The computer shrugged "But I know where it is and it's sending over a rescue party."

"Crew?"

"One mechanoid, two humanoid and…" The computer trailed off looking shifty.

"And?" Jack pressed him

"And one Hologram." It relented

Jacks face twisted into an evil grin "A deady!" He smiled. "Computer, are the holowhips still working?"

please review


	3. chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews :)

Chapter two

As starbug eased gingerly into the Lazarus's decrepit landing bay the fearful crew held its breath. Well, apart from Kryten of course who didn't need to breath and Rimmer, who was by this stage hyperventilating.

"It isn't safe!" He moaned, cowering behind his console. "The whole place could come down any second!"

The robot shook his head reassuringly and engaged the landing procedure. "Nonsense sir," He smiled as the ship gave a terrifying shudder. "I assure you, we're in no danger at all"

"Oh well," Rimmer cried sarcastically from his hiding place, "If Captain Bog-bot say's it's safe then it _must_ be! He's _never _been wrong before has he?"

"I'm not quite sure what you mean sir!" Kryten replied, flustered by the holograms sudden attack. Kyrten had always done his best to keep the others safe and couldn't remember any occasion in which his bad judgment had led the crew into danger.

Unfortunately Rimmer could. "Remember the DNA machine?" He demanded then mimicked the robots mechanical, American accent. "_No need to engage your panic chip sir… I assure you its quite safe."_

"But sir, that didn't affect you."

"No," Rimmer relented "But the curry monster that we created trying to get you back has left its mark!"

"And that's just in his underpants!" The cat put in.

Lister shook his head and rose to support Kryten. Rimmer was always having a go at him and he never stood up for himself. It didn't seem right. Angrily he turned to the cowering hologram.

"Testing the machine on the curry was your idea you smeghead. Stop blaming Kryten. If he say's its safe then it's safe!"

"Erm.." Holly interrupted them pulling an apologetic face "It's not safe."

"What?!" The boys demanded in unison.

Rimmer sank back even lower into his hidey-hole. "It's going to blow up isn't it?" He moaned "Oh smeg!"

"No, "Holly shook her head. "It's not going to blow up.. well not yet anyway.. you've got at least fifteen minuets.. even then it might not _blow_ up… It'll probably just break apart or something" She rambled. Rather than let this continue until whatever the problem was had become an emergency, Lister decided to interrupt.

"HOLLY!" He shouted at her "What's the problem?"

"Well it's not a 'problem' as such.." She said, avoiding his gaze.

"Why can we never get a straight answer out of you?" Rimmer sighed, finally rising from under the console. "It's like trying to talk to a bloody politician! Every time we need to find something out we have to turn into Jeremy- sodding- Paxman!"

"_Why_ is it unsafe?" Lister asked in a tired and exasperated tone.

"It's not" She replied.

"Not what?" Rimmer snapped.

"It's not unsafe."

Rimmer groaned and rested his head in his hands as he sank back into his seat. "It's finally happened! She's finally lost it!" He moaned "She'll be forgetting her own name next, sending us around in circles for weeks! I say we 'old yeller' it before she turns into a goldfish completely."

"NO!" Lister protested looking scandalized. He was as frustrated by the computers increasing senility as Rimmer but he still didn't feel that they should switch her off. She reminded him a little of his granny back in Liverpool when he was a kid. She'd gone senile.

He'd come home from bunking off school one day to find her sitting on the roof claiming she was _Batman_. It'd taken fifteen firemen and a tranquilizer dart that could've floored an elephant to get her down. She was a big woman, nana Lister.

Turning to the computer Lister sighed and used the same soothing, slightly patronizing tone he'd used on his grandmother whenever he was trying to get her to take her knickers off of her head. "Please Hol," he begged "Is it safe for us to go out there?"

The computer took a deep breath. "Yes." she nodded. They all sagged with relief "unless you're Rimmer"

"What?!" Rimmer demanded as the cats face twisted into an evil, satisfied grin. "Why is it not safe for me?"

"Muller's woken up." She said in an apologetic tone as Rimmers' already pale face blanched. "The Lazarus' computer saw us coming and woke 'im up so he could get rescued"

"But we're not here to rescue him." Kyrten protested "The cheek of that computer! Honestly, do manner chips count for nothing these days?"

"What do we do?" Lister asked "do we take him with us?"

"Don't be a gimboid Lister!" Rimmer shot at him shrilly "He's an evil psychopath that wants to kill me!"

"So we just leave him to die?" Lister asked angrily. The words were barely out of his mouth before he'd realized what a stupid thing it was to ask Rimmer. Of course Rimmer would say yes. He'd say yes if it were his own mother left alone on the space station. '_Actually most people would leave Mrs Rimmer on the station_' Lister corrected himself _'Maybe that's a bad example. The point is that any decent person couldn't leave another to die'_ But Rimmer wasn't a decent person.

Rimmer was a manipulative, sniveling excuse for a man that would weasel and blackmail his way out of anything that he could, including this.

The hologram pulled his face into his best '_No one ever cares about me'_ expression, the one that always makes Lister feel _really_ guilty. "Fine." He gulped, rising from his position and heading for the door. "If you're willing to sacrifice my life for his then I won't stop you. Just remember this as he's shoving the Del Monte factory up your backside; I warned you." He moved towards the door with his head held high. This would have been a very impressive exit had he not ruined it by tripping over Krytens' foot.

Rimmer stumbled forward and instinctively reached out for support. He was surprised to find his hands making contact with the cats' sleeves. He tightened his grip around them as he fell pulling the startled cat with him.

Rimmer barely touched the floor when he sprang up excitedly. His eyes wide with shock. "I touched you!" He gawped at the cat "I can touch!"

"So I See!" The cat spat at him the indicated to the torn blue material now flapping loosely around his right arm. "Look what you did to my sleeve!"

The cat launched himself at Rimmer and began to throttle him as an unconcerned Lister turned to Kryten "I think we've worked out what the hard light drive does" He shrugged

The robot nodded. "Indeed sir. However, tempting as it is to spent the next fifteen minuets watching the cat throttle Mr. Rimmer, I suggest that we begin to gather supplies"

Disappointed Lister sighed "Alright," He said and pulled the apoplectic cat off of the ruffled Rimmer. "Come on guys, let's get a move on."

"What about Muller?" Rimmer demanded, catching his breath back. The cat was still struggling to get at him.

"That's all sorted," Holly informed them. "I've got a message from the Lazarus' computer 'ere look."

She faded away to reveal a bald black head. "Good morning gentlemen," It smiled pleasantly. "I am the Lazarus' computer, Byron. I must warn you that I have just woken Jack Muller from stasis and he's not too keen on holograms."

"We know!" Rimmer wheezed

"This is why I suggest that your hologram begins gathering supplies from the cargo deck whilst the other crew meets with Mr. Muller in the security department."

Lister nodded appreciatively "Nice one!" He smiled as the head faded away. "You heard the head, let's get going."

"You expect me to go down to the cargo bay on a strange vessel _on my own?_" Rimmer breathed incredulously.

"It's that or come and meet 'masher'" Lister reminded him.

Rimmer didn't even need to think about it. "I'll just pop off to the cargo bay and get some supplies shall I?"

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Lister, Cat and Kryten moved as quickly as they could to the security deck. This was a fairly long process as the lifts had stopped working part of the way up and forcing them to climb the last two decks on foot.

Moving the large bazookoids through the narrow gaps in the doors was no mean feet either, they barely fitted and on three or four occasions jammed in the doors. At one point one of the machines actually went off as the Cat rammed it through, blasting a huge hole in the door in front.

"Why don't we just do that?" He suggested, proudly indicating his new short cut.

Kryten shook his head. "It's an excellent suggestion Sir," He said. " But there's one major draw back."

"Which is?"

"That this station is in a _very_ delicate position and even the slightest disturbance could pull it apart. So, unless you want to find yourself floating through space with your eyeballs as internal organs I suggest that we proceed as carefully as we can."

Lister stared incredulously at the android. "And you didn't think that this was worth mentioning before?" He demanded.

"Well I thought that it would have been obvious to anyone with half a brain sir." Kryten began but paused, realizing his error. "Oh sorry sir, Next time I'll be sure to point out every obvious detail."

With a heavy sigh Lister led the way through the smoldering hole_ ' Great,' _He thought as they continued their trek up the final flight of stairs_ 'so we're going to be totally defenseless when we tell Muller that there's no room at the inn! He's going to smash our smegging faces in.. If were lucky… Oh god I hope there aren't any pineapples in the cargo decks!'_

Lister found himself wishing he were down in the cargo decks with Rimmer for a brief moment, but only a brief one. Lister was sure that even though the hologram could now touch and feel, he'd soon find a way of not lifting a finger and making Lister do all the work.

In fact the more he thought about it the more sure Lister became that, given the choice between this and spending the next ten minuets being bossed around by Rimmer he'd much rather be risking life and limb negotiating useless weapons that could destroy them at any second through darkened passageways to tell a psychopath that they weren't here to rescue him but to nick all of his supplies and scarper. Even if it did mean having to put up with the cats moaning.

Still angry with Rimmer the narcissistic Moggie had spent most of the uncomfortable journey complaining about his ripped sleeve and insisting that they go back and let him change.

"At least let's find a sewing machine!" He begged as they reached the final door. Ignoring him Lister led the way into the security room.

It was so dark inside that they could barely see an inch in front of their eyes. The only lights in the large, cavernous room were those of the monitors in its centre which stretched all of the way up to the high ceiling and showed every inch of the ship. Several were out but the boys could see the cargo decks and the landing bay were still on.

Clutching his bazookoid tightly Lister called cautiously into the gloom.

"Muller?"

There was no answer. He exchanged an uncomfortable glance with the others and moved slowly over to the display monitors. Lister could see for different views of Rimmer in the bottom monitors. The Hologram was marching swiftly through the food deck, straight past the poppadoms.

"Bastard!" Lister swore angrily "He _knows_ we've only got fourteen hundred of those left! I told him.."

His angry rant was cut short as all of the monitors suddenly fizzed. The three of them jumped back in shock as a familiar face filled every monitor from the ceiling to the floor. Jack Muller smiled down at them, his eyes bright and manic.

"Mornin' gents. " He growled. "So nice of you to come rescue me. Most people would have just taken what they needed from the cargo bay and left me to rot. That's not a very nice thing to do is it?"

The three terrified crew members shook their heads in unison and listened with mounting horror as Jack continued.

"Not nice people are _evil_," He growled," If I were not a nice man I'd lock you in the security deck, kill you deady friend and nick your ship."

"Thank goodness you're a nice guy then eh!" The cat smiled hopefully up at the screens. Thousands of Jack Mullers laughed maniacally and shook their heads.

"Oh, I'm not a nice person!" He exclaimed. The cameras backed out to show the full length Muller brandishing a holo whip. He was quite obviously in the food deck. He flicked his whip at the camera which instantly broke. Hissing static filled the screens as the panicking Lister, Cat and Kryten ran swiftly back to the entrance. It was sealed shut.

"What do we do?" The Cat wailed, checking the delicate diamond Rolex on his wrist. "We've got eight minuets until our insides become our outsides! And red's out this season!!"

Lister turned to the robot "Any ideas Kryters?"

The robot shook his head fearfully. It was an unusual thing to see a panicking robot. Usually they aren't programmed to show any emotion, but Lister had helped Kryten to corrupt his programming and actually _feel_ some basic emotions. Judging by the look on his face Kryten had totally mastered fear. Lister was sure that if androids had underwear his would be well and truly filled.

"Sir," the robot cried shrilly " If we don't get this door open, save Mr. Rimmer, stop Muller and get back to starbug we're finished!."

Lister's jaw dropped angrily "I know! How's that helping?" He asked angrily.

Kryten looked offended. "Sorry sir, I just thought that I was supposed to point out every obvious detail to…"

Lister didn't hang around to listen to the end of Krytens' sentence. Something needed to be done now. Sweeping his dreadlocks off of his face he took a few paces back and aimed it at the door.

"Sir!" Kryten protested "If you fire that gun you could destroy the ship!"

"The ship's knackered anyway!" Lister reminded him "This was we've got a slight chance of getting out of here in one piece!"

With a nod Kryten and the Cat backed away and braced themselves as Lister fired.

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Rimmer marched swiftly through the third floor of the cargo hold safe in the knowledge that Muller was eight decks away talking to a heavily armed Lister, Cat and Kryten. It had taken a lot to persuade him that he was safe but after a blue faced Lister had screamed: "He's not coming with us! We'll deal with it for smegs sake!" for the fourteenth time, Rimmer was at last ready to believe him. Lister may be a hamster faced simpleton, but Rimmer knew that he could trust him with this.

Even so Rimmer couldn't help but be slightly annoyed that he was forced to gather the supplies on his own. Surely it didn't take all three of them to talk to Muller. Kryten could have come and help him out couldn't he? It would be more productive to have two people anyway. Rimmer could oversee and make decisions on what they needed while the other person loaded everything up. _'No sense of team work, that's there problem'_ Rimmer thought sadly as he marched past the poppadoms, keenly aware that Lister had specifically asked him to get them. '_now,_ He thought spitefully _' I wonder where they keep the brussel sprouts.'_

He continued through the towering alleys of supply crates towards a sign marked '_Fruit 'n' veg_'. He was nearly there when the sound of laughter and a loud crack made him crouch back in terror. The noise had come from nearby.

The hologram gulped and taking a deep breath called out in a trembling voice. "Lister? Very smegging funny I know it's you and all I can say is you're not going to scare me me-lad-o!"

Convinced that Lister was the source of the sudden noise, Rimmer became more confident. Rising from the fetal position he moved around the corner into the thin alley to face him.

Rimmer let out a small scream as he found himself face to face with a wild eyed Jack Muller brandishing a whip. With a huge battle cry Jack flicked his wrist and Rimmer felt a burning sting cut across his cheek. He yelped and fell backwards in shock as Jack lumbered towards him.

" I should warn you," Rimmer stammered "My shipmates are onboard and they wont take kindly to you hurting me! They'll be along to rescue me any minuet now!"

Jack laughed." I doubt it!" He cackled "In fact in a few minuets they'll be as dead as you are!"

Suddenly a huge blast shot past Jack smashing into the crates behind him. Stunned jack and Rimmer looked up towards the enterance of the alleyway where Lister, Cat and Kryten stood each aiming a bazookoid at Jack.

"Guess again!" Lister called charging his up again.

Jack turned and ran as fast as he could to the other side of the alley but didn't get very far. He was halfway down when a terrifying sight stopped him. There, crouched on top of a crate of baked beans was a black hooded figure. It's blood red eyes glowed in the darkness as it barred its yellow pointing teeth. Jack screamed as shrilly as Rimmer had a few moments before and ran back towards them.

The others did not see the dark and menacing figure hiding in the shadows. All they saw was the screaming, maniacal Muller running full pelt towards them brandishing a whip. Instinctively Lister, Cat and Kryten fired.

Unfortunately, as they were all firing at the same thing the bazookoid bullets hit each other in mid air and ricochet off of one another. The alley exploded sending bits of broken tins and flaming crates everywhere.

"Rimmer?" Lister called desperately into the debris.

Kryten had already run forward and was beginning to clear away the wreckage. "He's here sir!" The robot called over, pulling an unconscious Rimmer out. Lister ran over and between them they pulled the hologram clear.

"What about Muller?" Kryten asked.

Lister looked back into the shattered alleyway "Leave him!" He growled angrily and started back towards Starbug, still carrying Rimmer. Within five minuets the Lister, cat, Kryten and the unconscious Rimmer were clear of the Lazarus and heading back to Red Dwarf. Not suspecting for a moment that they'd picked up a stowaway.

plz review :)


	4. Chapter 3

A/n: Thank you very much for your reviews and I'm sorry for the delay but here it finally is…

Chapter three

They had been back on Red Dwarf for several hours before Rimmer finally came around. Fortunately he hadn't sustained any major lasting injuries. As a hard light hologram he was virtually indestructible so it must have taken a lot to render him unconscious.

Kryten and Lister had taken him to the medical unit straight away. The Cat had refused to help. Not only had Rimmer torn his sleeve but had caused him to loose a button when the alley had exploded.

"Besides!" The vain creature had protested "watching him rest is making me sleepy"

"He's _unconscious! _" Lister had moaned incredulously.

" Right," The cat nodded " As I should be. It's time for my nap, I need my beauty sleep!" He then danced backwards out of the door leaving Lister and Kryten to tend to Rimmer.

"He probably just fainted" Lister had shrugged as Kryten filldled with the complicated looking medical equipment, occasionally frowning and muttering: "Dear me!"

But the tests confirmed that the hologram had received a crushing blow to the head that would have turned most peoples skulls into pate

"Even in a hard light form, Mr. Rimmer was lucky to have survived," Kryten had informed Lister, still looking extremely worried. "Thank goodness he was though. If it had passed through him I'm sure it would have crushed his light bee!"

"He'll be alright though?" Lister asked with a slight pang of concern.

When Kryten hadn't answered Lister couldn't help but hang his head. In spite of himself he couldn't help but feel a little concerned for his irritating companion.

Some people may have interpreted this concern as a display of friendship, a sign of some deep and unspoken bond between the lager soaked space bum and the neurotic dead man but they'd be wrong. True, Lister wanted Rimmer to recover but not because he liked Rimmer. No, Lister knew that were Rimmer to sustain any lasting injuries he'd never hear the end of it. The hologram would harp on about it for the rest of Listers' miserable life and somehow make it everyone else's fault.

On the other hand if the hologram died then things would be even worse for Lister. He'd have no one to wind up! Sure he could occasionally convince the cat that they had just received a distress call from the planet of the bikini clad virgin clan but after the forty-third time it was getting a little boring. Nope, nothing was as much fun as watching Rimmers' nostrils flare as he discovered the toenail clipping igloo village that Lister had been making on his pillow. As much as Lister hated to admit it, things were better with Rimmer around.

So Lister was very relieved when Rimmer was eventually given the all clear. Kryten had finished running his tests and after announcing that all that was left was to wait for him to wake up left to finish the laundry and recharge his batteries.

"You should get some rest to sir," The android had said in a slightly nagging maternal tone as he headed out the door.

"Nah, I'm alright Kryters, " Lister called back, settling into the chair at Rimmers' bedside. " Someone should stay just in case."

It wasn't long after this that Rimmer woke up. He blinked stupidly against the bright light of the medical lamp, shielding his eyes with one arm. He rolled over forcefully to slam the bloody thing off but found that his hand didn't make contact. It passed straight through the control panel taking Rimmer with it. It seemed that he rolled a little to forcefully.

" You're not hardlight anymore." Lister grinned unhelpfully down at him.

"Thank you captain 'state-the-smegging-obvious'!" Rimmer muttered, embarrassed by his fall He stared shell shocked at his hands for a moment as he rose to his knees. He wasn't solid anymore, he'd lost his body. It was like dying all over again._ "Why_ aren't I hard light anymore?" He snapped angrily

"The hard light projector thingy blew up with the Lazarus" Lister shrugged irritating Rimmer even more. How could Lister be so flippant when he'd lost his new found freedom? "Why didn't try and get it?" He demanded shrilly

"Well we were a little more concerned with not getting ourselves blown up Rimmer" Lister pointed out incredulously "I think a thank you's in order here!"

"What for?" Rimmer snarled into the Liverpudlian slobs face "For shattering my chances of _actually_ having a body?"

"We saved your life back there!" Lister snarled back angrily "we pulled you out of the alley!"

"_Which you blew up!"_

"To stop Masher from………." Lister began but Rimmer interrupted. He took a deep breath and growled through gritted teeth "Well then thank you Lister. Thank you for blowing me up and killing me again"

Without so much as a backwards glance Rimmer turned on his heel and marched out of the medical bay. Lister ran after him

"Rimmer!" He pleaded attempting to keep up with Rimmers' ridiculously fast pace. "For smegs sake will you listen to me?"

But Rimmer wasn't listening. He continued to march back to the sleeping quarters ignoring Listers apologies all of the way.

When they eventually reached their quarters he ordered Holly to change him and brush his teeth before clambering onto his bottom bunk.

"Rimmer.." Lister tried again reproachfully but Rimmer cut across him.

"Goodnight Lister and thanks for nothing!" He said stiffly indicating firmly that Lister was to leave him alone.

With a heavy sigh Lister Climbed up onto his bunk, fully clothed and went to sleep.

Rimmer blinked hard and shielded his eyes from the blinding sunlight. Slowly his eyes adjusted and he found himself surrounded by people in a large city centre. It looked like he was marching along in some sort of parade, only the bystanders didn't seem to happy about it.

The hostile crowed shouted angrily and jeered as they marched past. This frightened Rimmer immensely, admittedly a lot of things frightened he was after all a tremendous physical coward, but even so this was a brown trouser moment.

While still moving along with the crowd Rimmer craned his neck back over the sea of people behind him in search of a banner or placard that might explain exactly what the march was about. As he turned his head he could see the faces of the marchers behind him. Each and every one of them bore a silver 'H' in the middle of their foreheads. They were all holograms!

This stirred a distant thought in Rimmers' memory. He remembered being a boy back on Io and going to an 'equal rights for the dead march' with his elder brother Frank. '_That must be what this march is about'_ He thought '_but why am I here? Come to think of it how am I here? I should be back on the ship.'_

He sped up to speak with the woman in front of him. 'Excuse me' he called 'I appear to be a little lost and was wondering…' He stopped dead as a flying rock whizzed through her skull and smacked onto the cobbled ground at Rimmers' feet. He looked around in shock to see who could have been so insensitive as to throw a rock at a dead person and found his jaw hitting the floor as his gaze fell upon a small boy sitting on the shoulders of a strapping young teen in a space cadets uniform.

"Oh nice job _Bonehead!"_ the elder sneered "you're aims worse than a blind American pilot flying through thick fog! You have to hit the light bee! Here I'll show you" He snatched a rock out of the mortified childs hand and took a careful aim.

The rock flew through the air like a bullet and smacked into an elderly woman hologram who let out a shriek and disappeared as her smoldering light bee hit the ground fizzing and crackling.

Rimmer ignored it, he knew what happened next, the marches don't even stop. They continue to march, glaring at the boys, curling their lips in disgust. Rimmer knew this would happen because he'd seen it before. That little boy was him, sitting on Franks' shoulders more than twenty years ago. He moved slowly over to his past self, as he did so Frank to aim again.

"Frank stop!" He called desperately bracing himself. To his relief his brother lowered the rock and looked puzzled.

"How the smeg do you know who I am?" He growled gripping the rock so tightly that his knuckles were white.

"It's me Arnold, you're brother!" Rimmer explained desperately, uncomfortably aware that Frank wasn't going to believe him. Especially as the other Rimmer was perched tightly on Franks shoulders.

"I'm Arnold!" The young Rimmer laughed disbelievingly.

"Shut up Bonehead" Frank snapped and pulled a few of the hairs out of the boys pale spindly legs which were hanging down over his chest. The young boys eyes watered with the pain.

As he watched his former self fight back his tears Rimmer balled his fists.

He took a deep breath and stuck out his chest pompously and for the first time in his life stood up to his brother.

"I can't explain how but I've come from the future" Rimmer explained "I think I've probably been sent back to warn you that in twenty or so years little Arnie here's going to be killed"

To his horror frank merely shrugged "So what, do you want us to start saving for the funeral now?"

Rimmer couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. Sure he was never _that _close to his brothers but he'd expect Frank to feel some sort of dread or remorse that his little brother wouldn't live to see thirty two.

"What is wrong with you?" he demanded "I've just told you that you're brother's going to die!"

Little Rimmer gave out a terrified whimper which Frank pretended not to hear. Rimmer shook his head sadly. "I die Frank, I die and become a hologram, which isn't the worst thing in the world" He turned to indicate the marchers "These people aren't the abominations of nature that you take them for." He said softly "They're smart useful people with something to give, but more than that there mothers, fathers and _brothers_. In a few years time he'll die" Rimmer said softly, scaring his younger self for life, "Don't you want a better future for him? One where he isn't discriminated against for being dead?""

Frank just shrugged "Not really no"

Rimmers voice rose indignantly "Why the smeg not?!"

Franks eyebrows knotted in contempt as he leant in towards Rimmer, almost causing his little brother to loose his balance. "Why should I listen to a dirty deady?" He sneered. From his shoulders came a small laugh of approval.

"Ha! Deady!" The little boy snorted.

"Shut up! Rimmer and frank snapped in unison. Bonehead hanged his head and glared mulishly up at Rimmer.

'_God I was such a little brown nosing twerp!'_ Rimmer thought curling his lip in contempt as Frank scolded the boy again . "just shut the smeg up for one minute bonehead!" He snapped then turned back to Rimmer, he didn't look the same though. His eyes had become wider and were gradually becoming redder and redder. His teeth grew longer, more yellow and jagged, as did his nails which bored into Rimmers neck as he reached out for the hologram and grabbed him by the throat.

As the pain blinded Rimmer everything faded away, the noise of the parade, his younger self, even the light itself seemed to slowly disappear leaving Rimmer alone in the dark with the gleaming red eyes and the drooling yellow jaws of some indistinguishable creature. He screamed but when he opened his mouth it sounded distant as though it was coming from his body but arriving somewhere else. The pain was so intense he felt his life was slipping away. As Rimmer slipped into unconsciousness he heard a voice calling his name, he thought it was an angel. A wonderful scouse angel calling him home.

Lister awoke to the sound of screaming. He jerked upright, smacking his head painfully hard on the ceiling as he did so.

"Lights!" he ordered as he jumped down from his bunk clutching his skull. The lights snapped on in the sleeping quarters enabling Lister to locate the source of the disturbance. It was Rimmer. He was laying stiff as a board on the bottom bunk, his face twisted in terror as he let out a loud and continuous scream.

"Rimmer?" Lister yelled urgently into the holograms face as he lent in close. "Rimmer, what is it man? what's wrong?"

But Rimmer didn't seem able to hear him. Lister yelled again but this time it seemed to have some effect. As suddenly as Rimmer had begun screaming he stopped. His eyes glazed over and his jaw slackened. He looked as though he were dead.

"Rimmer?" Lister asked uncertainly.

He lent down even lower as though he were checking for a breath. It was a stupid thing to do really, Lister knew that holograms couldn't breath. But Lister couldn't control it, it was an instinctive reaction.

"Rimmer?" he called again.

"ARRRRGGGGHHH!!"

Lister smacked his head again as he jumped back in shock. As he had lent close over Rimmer the hologram had jerked up in a convulsive movement and begun to scream again. Lister had nearly wet himself.

He clutched his chest with one hand and his head with the other as he sank back onto the floor, eyes shut tight as though trying to will the pain away with his mind. Rimmers' screams stopped again so Lister opened his eyes.

Rimmer had gone!! Lister shot up and stared around for the hologram then jumped in shock once again asRimmer appeared again, exactly where he was before.

Lister moved over again but before he could reach him the hologram disappeared again. Then back, then gone again.

Something was definitely wrong here. Holograms shouldn't flicker.

"Holly? Holly?" Lister called

Holly's face appeared on the screen by the doors. Her white hair ruffled as though she'd been asleep and she was wearing a night mask over her eyes.

"What?" She yawned.

"Holly get Kryten!" Lister shouted desperately "Something's wrong with Rimmer."


End file.
